Between Death & Death....

Between death of a daughter & death of a father...
A daughter you raised up & a father that raised you up...
You stand between them unbelieveing and schocked...
Your daughter is dead and your father is dead...
"today is her wedding so plzz don't scream..don't cry for her sake.."

It's so strange how life is so worthless...
The more strange thing is how we are so blind that we can't realise that...
In less than a week it was over..
"hatsaly 3alaya l tasbe7a kolaha zy ma 3amalna ma3a abok Y......"

I need to know YOU more..I need to understand YOU...
We ought to enjoy the blessings YOU give us before it's too late....

My Day...

My Day...
Will it ever come...?!!
When?!!
How?!!

A more important question...
WHO?!!!
What shall I do on that day to make it special than any other day ?!!!
Will I ever find it and find you??!
Will I ever be shared and given some of what I give?!!

I need it really coz it's so hard goin on lonely...I need a support....




N.B: It's ur smile ...ur presence...ur spirit...ur motherhood
I felt u were a mother today
I love you really....and I shall keep my promise if it happened oneday..Doc.

what if....

what if it was me....
what if it was mine.....
what if it was you...

will I give his same reaction...
will she ever stop his same reaction...
will it ever gonna be one of your possible reactions....

what will you do if you were here...
what did you do when you were there...
It wasn't easy ...I know....
That's why you're special..

But.....

"DE PROFUNDUS CLEMO AD TE DOMINE"

Circle of life....

Well that one was ma best rehersal ever...
That song has a spirit different from anything else ....
I'm waiting for next week...it's gonna be wonderful...
It was that part of the rehersal where we were doin the whole song...
When I heard the piano it reminded me of you ...I saw you...
I saw you playin the piano ....
I thought what would it be like if you were here .....


"It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life"

Book Of Darkness ........

u said it once " i love ur pen"...
but now .. I HATE MY PEN....
when my pen can't express me then i shall break it..
when my pen can't write what's inside then i shall throw it away...
why??
u were always my last shelter that could understand the struggle inside..
why did u fail me now?
I could do nothin other than collecting older articles into one book..
The Book Of Darkness



Chapter 1 :In My Darkest Hours.......
speechless..
motionless..
berathless....
mindless...
heartless....
sleepless.....
hopeless....
everything is turning black so quickly....
every breathe of life is disappearin.....
every flower is fadin....
every minute is like a year.....
when evrey second passin is a wip ....
when pain dominates ......
when u can do nth , even prayer is meaningless...
why did u put me there first place ?!!!
'am so tired of thinkin ....
'am Mentally Blocked Down.....
many maybes and whatifs .....
same result ......


Chapter 2 : INFECTED....
"Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real "
thought i was immune....
thought i was strong...
didn realize it till i found it suddenly so cold....
cold inside .....
that's not me.....
why did i become like this?!!
cold that freezez all the warm feelings , all the love ......
cold that freezez ma mind , ma heart & ma soul....
pain's dominating.....
i can't be like this .....
when did i get infected ?!!!
i can't bear it ....
it's ma first time to get infected....

Chapter 3 :Between downs and downs ( previously between ups and downs)
when i need a friend and can't find him/her
that brings me down ...........
when i find that all i was doin was such a game ...just fun
that kills me down
When i find that darkness became my friend and silence my companion...
that breaks me down...
"-Tell me a story about why you're sad.
+Do you think I'm sad?
What makes you think that?
-Your eyes told me."

Chapter 4 : Worthless(NO ME AMES)
what's my value in life?
what did i do in my life to make me a worthy person ?
wha did i do to be proud of ?
what field am i special in ?
NOTHIN......
'am totally worthless , useless , mindless ....
unfortunately i began to feel 'am a hopeless case ...
it's not a matter of these days , what happened , what's happening or what shall happen ..
it's a matter of this life , my life ....
when life and death becomes equal ....
when existance becomes of no use .....
when failure becomes a daily routine...
"No Me Ames ...
porque pienses que parezco diferente....
porque estoy perdido...
porque cambie el mundo....
porque es el destino....
porque no se puede....."

Chapter 5 : Dilemma .....
my church which ain't my church .....
my friends who ain't my friends.....
my community which ain't my community...
me who ain't me at all .....
all struggling inside me
i don't know who is mina or who is rostom.......
a mess....
a big mess in ma mind .....
lot's of thoughts , many issues , many different directions ...
friends , church , project , future , courses , plans,.....
faded visions , delusional facts .....
activities ....
as if we have nothin but activities......
activities that increase dispersion beyond the normal level ......
rebelous moves aiming to change the world .....
or is it just.... ?
who knows ?
"so2al wa7ed
sab7 el so2al million
tab fina kam wa7ed
sa2l el so2al begnon
tab men ana
we leeh we feen we ezay yekon
el kalam 3ani laken mahosh meny!!!"

Chapter 6 :Dark Thoughts.......
Dark thoughts are roaming my mind ......
Depression ..
Frustration...
Confusion...
Weakness...
Sadness...
Madness...
Insanity....
Being so Helpless ....
" I get lost in the nothingness inside of me .....
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long (Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong ....." Linkin Park
" Enta msh hatest7mel nafsak ....." said she
Darkness....
Loss.....
" can't find urself , lost in urlife ......" Evanescence
Attenuated relations
Scattered thoughts
Delusional facts
"It's not how YOU play the GAME , It's how the GAME plays YOU !!!! "
"Welcome to the REAL WORLD ......"
Darkness......
Nothing but endless darkness , sometimes interrupted by faceless
people and unidentifid speech
A voice from far away " UTOPIA IS DOWN !!!! " .........
" You want to know the truth , ok . Which truth u want , ur truth , our truth or THE TRUTH ? ! ! ! ! "
Well let me tell you one thing that is .......
'am MENTALLY BLOCKED DOWN

Chapter 7: It's getting DARKER ....
Rain .....
Endless floods of rain...
" I'm so tired of being hereSuppressed by all my childish fears "
Rain drops over the glasses .....
" When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears "
Wind roaoring ....
" When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears "
"These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase "
Dark thoughts blocking me mentally
" I'm falling forever...I'm going under "
Water everywhere ....
Alone in this time of the night ...
"i'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am i too lost to be saved
am i too lost? "

Final Chapter : Death...
" men zamaan 3ayesh be 3a2ly
we 2alby rafed fat7 baboh
sabab makhawfoh kan elly shayfoh
mel 7ob we men so7aboh ....."

In my eyes...

Arranging for the christmas photoshoot, i decided to open the old christmas pictures...
It was before I ever met you or known you ever existed...
Many pictures ...
A picture like any other picture..
It was that dark picture..
It wasn't clear at all with weak exposure and dark faces ..
Many people gathering in the picture..
Suddenly I find my eyes going only to a single spot in the picture..
I wondered why ...until I found out it was you..
My eyes can still pick you out ...

In my eyes you are....

Miss you..

Maktub...

Why..?!!
Why can I do everyhing with everyone...except you?!!!!
When I think about it I find it so strange..
GOD ...when I think about it all I can ask is why...
I've always known YOU as a kind father that takes us between his arms and loves us like a mother loves her baby child....
But when it comes to this ...I keep wondering and I just wanna ask YOU why?!!!
I can walk with anyone backhome ...except you..
I can go out with anyone....except you...
I can meet with anyone and talk ...except you...
I can........except you..
But I think again and all I can do is thank YOU..
Maybe it's going like this so that it's like a test to see wether it's true or not...
Maybe YOU wanna teach me that the valuable things are not an easy target and they need hard work....
Maybe YOU wanna teach me something which I didn't get yet ....
But I can do nothing other than thanking YOU...
I thank YOU for puttin me in this...
I thank YOU coz YOU gave me an angel when i needed one...
I thank YOU coz YOU made me meet her oneday and know that special persons are rare and precious...
All I want is that YOU watch over her & take good care of her ..
I want YOU to fill her life with joy , happiness , succes , blessings & love ....
Plzz make us accept YOUR will in our lives...
Make us hear YOUR voice & trust YOUR heart.....





"We are afraid of losing what we have. But this fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were writen by the same hand..."
The Alchemist

"Maktub,"she said. "If I am really a part of your dream, you'll come back one day."
The Alchemist

Balance of judgement.......

Balance...
It's all about making both sides balance...
It's so difficult to balance love&logic , heart&mind...
I thought of it 2day...
I saw it all in that movie..
Is it gonna be like this oneday?!!
I hope not...
I figured out that i have to walk away in silence..
I have to give you time & space to see things clearly..to value ME the right way and the proper way not the way 'am imposing on you...
If you can't change and sacrifice then why am i doin it ?!
If you can't feel me the same way 'am feelin you..
I shall stay away for a while ...
I don wanna any of us to get used to this..
I don wanna a feelin to be born inside you because you got used to it..
I wanna see this feelin comin from deep inside you..
I wanna see it in your eyes , hear it in ur voice , sense it in ur words...
But....
You are totally free to do as u feel ...
Sorry if i was ur pain oneday..
Sorry if i was somehow sticky and imposing my feelings on you..
Sorry for makin ma heart lead me not ma mind..